Comprehension
by stFamousLastWords
Summary: McGee's thoughts on life after Tony is shot dead. What happens now?


Disclaimer:  I don't own NCIS or any of its characters.

Comprehension

He didn't really understand what had just happened. Well, ok, he understood. He understood what it meant when Tony fell to the ground with a three bullets in his body. He understood what it meant when the paramedics pronounced him dead on the scene. But he couldn't comprehend. Couldn't comprehend what Tony's death actually meant.

McGee knew that in their job, death was an ever-present shadow following them around whenever they left the NCIS headquarters to investigate a murder. It was simply part of the job of being a field agent. Yet, McGee realised that although he felt he was past the point of being a Probie, he was still naïve and a rookie in some areas of his job. He still believed that they'd all be alright. That they'd all live till ripe old ages, and be able to retire and get that government pension. Even after Kate had died, execution style, bullet to the head, he still believed. Mostly he supposed, because he hadn't seen Kate die. Had only seen her dead body in autopsy, and she had looked good. She had still looked like Kate. And he had only heard what had happened through Tony and Gibbs. But now, looking at Tony's still warm body laying on the ground, surrounded in a pool of still blood, McGee realised that his belief was shattered, and instead began to wonder which ones out of them would actually survive to the point of being able to retire.

He realised with a sudden jolt, that the original field agents of Gibbs' team were gone now. They were both dead. Kate and Tony. They had been there in the beginning, just the two of them, when he was transferred from Norfolk, three and half years ago. Now he was the original member. And with another jolt, McGee realised they would have to get a new agent to replace Tony. He didn't want that. He was perfectly happy with the way things were. And yeah, Tony teased him mercilessly, but McGee almost didn't care anymore. He knew it was all light-hearted joshing and in good faith, and he had actually learned a great amount from Tony over the years. To think that that would never happen again; no more teasing from Tony, no more juvenile wisecracks, no more talking about classic movies and cars, no one to call him probie anymore, no more Tony and Ziva bickering and bantering; that's what McGee couldn't comprehend. That was the part about Tony's death that he couldn't comprehend. That was the part that made his death impossible to accept. For McGee was still in that stage where something terrible has just happened that would irrevocably change his life forever. Where he knows that Tony has just died, and that means that all the above will change. In the shocked moments of watching Tony's unmoving body on the floor, he understands all that. But he simply can't comprehend it.

"McGee."

Gibbs gentler than usual voice broke through into McGee's thoughts, and he looked up, startled to realise that he had zoned out for so long.

"Yeah, Boss?"

"We're leaving now. Ducky and Palmer are going to bring Tony home. We're going back now. We've got to tell Abby."

McGee looked around one last time at the scene, branding the image into his mind forever. Gibbs, looking uncharacteristically old and tired, emotions flooding over his face, Ziva, looking wearied and like she'd seen this too much, Ducky, walking in looking defeated and for one of the few rare times, speechless, Palmer, trailing in behind Ducky, looking miserable and like he'd rather be anywhere else at this moment, … and Tony. Tony, laying still on the ground, surrounded by glassy red, his eyes unseeing and cold, instead of the usual life and warmth they used to hold. Hard to believe that forty minutes ago they'd been joking around at the office, hard to believe that five minutes ago he'd been alive and breathing. It all seemed too surreal, and McGee quickly turned and followed Gibbs and Ziva out of the building, not wanting to have to accept the facts that were laid out on the ground in front of him anymore.

McGee guessed that Abby knew as soon as the three of them entered slowly in to her lab. It only took one glance for her to see the lack of Tony, the dried blood covering Gibbs' shirt and hands, and the defeated, pain filled expressions on their faces. Abby's quick brain could easily put two and two together in a matter of a split second, and the evidence standing in front of her was undeniable.

Even though Abby's face was panic-stricken at her thoughts of what happened to Tony, and didn't really need clarification, McGee heard Gibbs voice say flatly,

"Tony's dead, Abs."

Somehow, when Abby launched herself at Gibbs and held on to him as if her life depended on it, everything clicked into place for McGee. Comprehension dawned on him as he realised just what Tony's death meant. The world came rushing back into him; his head and heart exploding into a mixture of emotions and pain, the silence that had seemed to lurk within his ears after the gunshots, protecting him from what he didn't want to hear, didn't want to know, that silence disappeared, and the noise of the world came rushing back into his head. The moment where the world had stopped because Tony was dead had passed. Life kept continuing on. He was aware of the soft background hum from Abby's computer and all her machines, still at work processing evidence. He could hear the faint noises from above in the main office, of agents and people still working, figuring out cases, looking for leads or connections, still doing their jobs. He thought of all the people outside the building, so close, yet knowing nothing of what was going on inside. Walking and running around, talking, stressing, laughing, crying, working, socialising, …living.

Doing everything that Tony was not. They weren't even aware that Tony had just died. Weren't aware that there even was a Tony DiNozzo… or, used to be. McGee felt like they should know, that they should be sad, and stop, and think about the fact that he was dead. But the people and the world had no time to stop or even slow down, they just continued to live, not even realising the loss that had just happened. And somehow, in that moment, McGee felt an almost kind of peace settle over him, and he looked over at a silent Gibbs and a sobbing Abby, and a stony-faced Ziva, and realised he was on the verge of smiling, of all things. He felt as though he could almost feel the turn of the Earth, rotating beneath him, dictating the lives of all the people rushing around outside. His moment of clarity having hit, McGee understood the future. He had work to do. He had places to be. He had his life to live. He couldn't quite comprehend what it would be like without Tony, but at least he could understand what it meant.

And he could continue on with that.


End file.
